A Lesson in Confidence

I think a lot of times newbie solitary pagans hide behind books because there is a lack of confidence to practice.

When I first began six years ago, I did a few basic spells and were delighted that they worked. But the confidence to live a pagan life wasn't there. I wasn't surrounded by like minded people, I didn't know tons about the craft, so I retreated back to the books in hopes of one day getting the cosmic go ahead to practice again.

Fast forward to this year. Last week was rough, not only for me but for everyone in my office. Our boss was on a warpath and was wrecking peace wherever he went. After he made my good friend cry at her desk, I knew it was time for something to be done.

"I'm a Witch, damn it," I muttered to myself as I searched for a lighter. "I can do something about this."

And so I did. I borrowed a lighter from a friend, lit my Goddess candle that I keep at my desk and on a post-it wrote a quick peace spell. The spell went:

A time for everything

Everything in its place

Remove this negativity 

And put peace in its place. 

I then closed my eyes, slowed my breathing and mentally built up energy. I visualized the negative energy flowing into my body and peace flowing out. In and out. In and out. The whole time, I silently chanted my spell. I sent tendrils of peace to my friend who was hiding in her office, and peace to my boss who desperately needed it.

After a few minutes, I took the paper with the spell and ripped it up, and then blew out the Goddess candle. Again, I visualized the tendrils of peaceful smoke moving through the office, touching everyone that had come in contact with my boss.

I then went about my day, trying to keep my friend calm and continue to be peaceful and positive to my boss.

Later on that night, my friend called me into her office.

"Did you see Boss in here?" she asked, her voice hushed. I shook my head no. "Yeah, he came in here and apologized. Can you believe it? He's never apologized for anything before!!"  She was right. Our boss is not the type to say sorry. I was shocked myself!

We chatted and she was once again happy. The boss seemed to be in a very calm and pleasant mood when I left that night. So the spell worked. Everyone was happy again. And I had proven to myself that I do in fact have what it takes to practice daily and whenever needed.

Who are the God and the Goddess?

How I view the God and the Goddess:

I believe in energy. It has already been proven that humans store energy . We’ve all felt the transference of emotion between someone who is angry or sad and someone who is in a good mood. We know inherently that we can be silly and make someone we care about laugh, or it has been proven that the power  of prayer can work in ‘mysterious’ ways.

When I was growing up, I went to church (we were Southern Baptist) and I hated it. I hated the feeling of being in church. The energy didn’t feel right. These people that I sat with felt dead on the inside. They came out of obligation, and it was almost too much for me most Sundays. As a matter of fact, I came to hate Sundays with a passion. My father would wake up and something would always put him in a bad mood. We’d solemnly get ready for church, listen to him complain about whatever it is he could complain about (the kids, a fight with our mother, the traffic, etc.) and listen to this God awful church music.

I hated the whole experience.

And it didn’t make sense. Why pray to some far away being when there was all of this good energy around you? Why not just use that to make it happen?? Even at a young age, I was frustrated with Christianity.

When I discovered Wicca, it was like the floodgates of positive emotion came bursting open. Suddenly, I could practice things that interested me, not some standoffish preacher who was only interested in those who lined his pockets. I could research my own spirituality, I could practice when and how I wanted to!

And so I began to think about what ‘God’ really meant to me.

I believe that the God and the Goddess are the same energy. Exactly the same. In nature, there is duality and so to honor that duality, we speak of the God and the Goddess as though they are two separate beings ….two sides of the same coin. (Think the Holy Trinity.) That God/Goddess energy flows through and around us, in the air we breathe, the land we walk on, and the people we love. And I believe that being a Witch means understanding the power of that energy, opening himself up to it and then channeling it for his purpose. I know in Wicca the rede is “An it harm none do what ye will” , but I believe it’s silly to not realize that just like there is positive energy, there is negative energy. And some people work with negative energy whether we agree with it or not.

The power of duality.

In later posts, I will explore various African gods and goddesses who represent that God/Goddess energy. But I realize that the energy that I tap into whenever I work magic is of the God/Goddess and the gods and goddesses that might adorn my altar are simply representation. Sounds simple, but it took me a long time to understand that.

So that’s what I think the God and Goddess are. The same energy. Organic energy that flows all around and through us. 

What is a Witch?

I'm super lazy today, so I decided to create a quick video (very, very basic) to discuss today's topic: What is a Witch? (according to Marie). Enjoy!

Blah Day

Today I'm not feeling good about myself.

On Friday night, I went out with friends and had a great time. Unfortunately, on Saturday I paid for it....with a severe hangover (much to my husband's amusement). So I haven't been productive in any chores, writing or Craft work. :(

This morning I woke up depressed. The weekend seemed to be already gone. Husband is not feeling well, so I laid back down with him. It's now 12:30 in the afternoon and I'm just now dragging myself out of the bed to take a shower.

I'm not feeling sexy today, either. It's funny how one day you think you're a sex goddess and the next you feel like a brown blob. I resolved that I would wear makeup even if we don't leave the house, and tonight I'd like to give myself a facial and do my nails. A little pampering is just what this little witchlet needs.

I didn't do my visualizations yesterday or this morning, either. Again, yesterday my head was in a toilet bowl and today I was just being lazy. I hope to get back on the train tonight.

Where are the 'Normal' Pagans??

Caught your attention, didn't I? :)

When I first began reaching out to others I was surprised to find that most of the Pagans I came across looked a certain way. They were white, very interested in Celtic and European witchcraft, and...well, they didn't necessarily look like they would fit into corporate America.

I work in such an environment, where you wear suits and ties, and can't have hair that is too crazy. My black dreadlocks are pulled neatly into a bun every day, and the most color you'll see on me is my skin. :) As I came across more and more Pagans, I began to wonder if 'normal' Pagans existed.

Now, of course I know they do. But where the hell where they? They certainly weren't at the drum circles or New Age bookshops. At these places, I saw folks with bright green hair, huge pentacle necklaces and they looked like they belonged at a Renaissance fair. I stood out in my blue jeans, sensible sweater and Prada eyeglasses. It was amazing!

I can laugh about it now, because I know there are tons of solitary pagans and witches out there in the world. There are even more who definitely follow the craft without labeling it. But at the time, I was even more disheartened. Not only could I not find a group that would fit my needs, but I couldn't even find Pagans that were 'every day' people: went to the gym, liked to play Frisbee in the park, didn't own pentacle necklaces and had a shoe fetish! It made Paganism seem like a joke.

I guess I'm writing this for those out there that are secretly thinking the same thing I used to think. It's taboo to think this, of course, and if you dare utter those words in public you'll feel the wrath of the Pagan community. Just like it's taboo to point out there there aren't many people of color visible in the Pagan community. You know, I'm currently reading Green Witchcraft: Folk Magic, Fairy Lore & Herb Craft by Ann Moura and even though she has some good thoughts, I'm put off by her streamlining Paganism to just the European traditions. I'm thirsty for African American authors writing about African and African American pagan traditions (it's party of my study actually).

But if you find yourself wondering the same thing I used to wonder, fear not. It's OK and totally normal. And know that there are Pagans and Witches out there who you'd never suspect are Pagan...just like you!

Searching for Others

I've been studying Paganism and Wicca for six years. I was originally "introduced" to the concept of Witchcraft through the TV show Charmed (embarrassingly enough, even though I lurrrrve that show!!). I remember being intrigued...what was this Wicca that they spoke of? After doing a Google search, I was suddenly thrust into the world of Goddesses and energies and healing information. I was hooked and haven't looked back.

I remember when I was first on the path I immediately sought out others. It was exciting, having people who thought like me out there in the world! I went to a New Age shop and sat with the owner, who was a practitioner of Hoodoo. She was really nice, but didn't have time to actually give much information. I did realize that I wasn't as interested in practicing Hoodoo as I thought.

I then graduated from college and found a Pagan group that I quickly joined. Because we were in the Midwest (the heart of it), I was the only woman of color. I learned the hard way that just because they were Pagans did not mean we would all connect. The women were all white and older and set in their ways. I frustrated them and they frustrated me, so I left the group discouraged.

I eventually moved to the West Coast and found a coven. These were (and still are) a lovely group of young women who offer tons of information, have lots of fun and are everything I wanted. Unfortunately, my schedule would not allow me to participate regularly like they required. I ended up sadly leaving from the group and not being able to become a dedicant.

By this time (almost two years ago) I was thoroughly discouraged. I had been studying witchcraft on and off for the last four years and felt I had nothing to show for it. What was worse, I couldn't find a group that I belonged to. I mourned my loss and closed my Book of Shadows, only referencing it when I was truly lost and needed guidance.

Towards the end of last year, my spirit was screaming at me. It was thirsty for knowledge and growth. I needed to open my BOS again and get back to work. I'm a spiritual person and so to have turned my back on it for so long was doing me more harm than good. I promised myself that in 2014, I would complete my Year and a Day and focus on my Craft.

I realized during the self reflection period that lasted for these past two years I didn't need a group or a coven. That I could be an effective Witch all by myself. And so I'm proud to say that I'm a solitary witchlet and I feel confident in my ability to study the Craft on my own.

Day 2- Reverence

This is totally weird, but:

Last night I did my moon visualization and immediately thought of the feminine energy filling me up. I could image the soft rays entering me with each breath I took, regulating my menstrual cycle, flowing through my blood, giving me life. I thought about my trying to get pregnant and the moonlight  seemed to flow through my womb, healing what needed to be healed so that I can conceive. It was like soft, velvety hands caressing me over and over again. When I opened my eyes, my hands were resting on my stomach gently, as though I was already expecting a child.

Throughout the night, my dreams were sexual. I dreamed that I was irresistible to men and that they had to have me. I was hesitant (some of these men were married to other women), but I felt the powerful sexual pull as well. In the end, one particular man and I caved to the power of the moon flow of sexual energy and it was amazing.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and have an orgy. :)

But it was wild to see how the Goddess' sexual energy was present in my dreams after I opened up myself to her. It was...intoxicating. I can see why we love this energy. 

This morning, after visualizing the sun giving me energy and strength, I pulled a rune to see what was in store for me today:

I opened my book of shadows and found Ansuz, which means "Call" or "Law" and read:

A revealing message or insight, communication. Signals, inspiration, enthusiasm, change of place or settings. Blessings, the taking of advice. Good health, harmony, truth, wisdom.

I couldn't believe it. I had a revealing message in my dream, communication with the Goddess herself. She revealed her wisdom as she flowed her energy through me, reminding me that she is here and with me. She mentioned my trying to conceive with my husband and touched my womb. The thought occurred that for the last two days he's been trying to make love to me (I haven't been in the mood) and that maybe now is the time to try. I checked an online almanac and see that the moon is currently in Waxing phase. I reference my BOS again and read:

The waxing Moon is the best time to do a spell for growth, beginning new projects, initiation and enhancement. 

I bounced out of the bed this morning feeling energized and ready to take on the world and more importantly, my life.

This rune was dead on.

I felt like weeping in joy but can only bow my head in reverence.